How To Deal With Abusive Relationships

woman huggingThe first step to deal with abusive relationships is admitting you are actually in one. Most people tend to deny they are in one because all relationships take time and effort to create and maintain and we don’t want to believe that the time and evergy that we have spent are going to waste or against us.

Then something might happen to make you alert that the person you are in relatioship (does not have to be romantic relationships, it can be parents, relatives, co-workers, social encounters etc) with actually tend to be a taker, a manipulator, or a user. When situations like this happens, some people critisize the other person for being inconsiderate and be very angry at them while others tend to tell themselves that everything will be fine and wishfully think the other person will change for them. Very few people really look at the the cause of the issue and how the relationship was formed in the first place. However, this is an important step to deal with all relationship problems. We have to really understand what situation we are in and what the next step to take that will bring the best solutions for everyone involved.

Most emotional and physical abusive relationships form when both parties have insecurities, looking for another person to help deal with our problems (or to complete us). Then, we have to ask ourselves, what do we want to experience from this particular relationship? Are we trying to get something from it in order to ease our fears, anxieties or insecurities. Relationships based on co-dependnece will always meet challenges down the road and it will get harder and harder as time goes by because both parties refuse to learn and baggage carried by each people grows day by day.

To deal with it in a healthy way, we really have to detach ourselves from the situation for as long as we need and feel the emotions that come up. The emotions we feel is what created the event and even the relationship. Common emotions include anger because of feeling not getting what one wants, grief due to feeling sacrificing so much for nothing, fear because not knowing what the future will be etc. It’s very important to know we are responsible for everything we feel. We are not responsible for how others treat us because everyone has free will. But we are in total control of how we feel and what actions we take. If what other people do have effect on us, it is beause we are not strong enough internally and we have expectation on others to please us. The expectations we put on others really come from deep-rooted selfishness because we make ourselves the centre of a relationship and we demand others to please us. So it is not surprising that relationships formed based on selfishness create pain for both sides and will not last long. People who are attached to their expectations tend to stay in abusive relationships longer because they are more susceptible to illusions that the other person will become who they want them to be.

Once we are clear about our feelings and where they come from, we are ready to start taking action that will help us grow and free us eventually.

  1. Do not play the blame game: meaning completely own your own emotions, thoughts, and actions. If someone is not loving to you (eg: criticism, ridicule, condemn, manipulate, blame etc) tell them how you feel, and give them a choice to change. If they do not change, leave. You do not have to put up with that.
  2. See what you can change in order to improve the situation: all abuseive relationships are created by more than one person. See what you have done has created such an relationship. Change your attitude, actions and intentions. Communicate with the other person. If he/she is willing to change in the positive direction, you can choose to grow together. If the other person is closed off and not willing to change, leave the situation because the other person is being selfish and controlling and you do not have to be the victim.
  3. Persistence: Roman Empire was not built in one day. Usually abusive realtionships are quite difficult lessons to learn and takes time and effort to change or leave them. You have to be persistent in what you do and how you feel. You need to make new ways of thinking, perceiving, and responding your new habits, replacing the old ones, so that you life keeps going in the desired direction. To achieve that, it takes time, effort and constant practice. Remember: nothing worthwile comes easy.
  4. Celebrate accomplishments: We tend to overlook our needs and under-appreciate ourselves. This is actually one of the reasons why we even get into abusive relationships because we do not love ourselves enough. We tell ourselves it’s okay that life is stressful and frustrating. But in truth, life doesn’t have to be that way. We choose to experience the events we want to experience. No matter how difficult it seems at a particular moment, we always have choices and the right choices always give you hope, peace and freedom. What you choose may take you out of your comfort zone, but it’s good for you and you need to trust your ability to deal with challenges and trust that the universal laws are meant to help your grow and prosper, but you need to take inspired actions and face some challenges first. We also need to understand that challenges/difficulties in life are not meant to be punishment. They are only consequences of what you have done or not done in the past. So the faster you deal with a problem, the less severe consequence it will be.
  5. Start to give more: The purpose of life is to prosper, to grow, be abundant, be confident, be happy, be loving, be generous, be helpful, be compassionate and make your contribution to help others and make the world a better place. The universe will generously return its favour at the right time . The more you give, the more abundant you will be. The more you love, the stronger you will be. The more you smile, the happier you will be. The more you try, the more confident you will be. The more you help, the more successful you will be. The secret to live an abundant, joyful and fulfilling life is to give generously and receive graciously.

Love and light

Jane Huang

Founder of MasterSource Spiritual Guidance

Daily Prayer – I Completely Love And Accept Myself

Before you start reading the prayer, remember to breathe into your diaphragm several times and allow Chi in your body to flow. Then as you start to read the prayer, you’ll feel your whole being is willing and eager to absorb the essence of the prayer.

 

In the infinity of life where I am,

all is perfect, whole and complete.

I allow myself to be Divinely protected and guided.

I trust that the Universe loves me unconditionally,

and is waiting for me to receive its love and abundance.

I choose to look within

as the outside reality is an accurate picuture of my inner state.

As I shift my inner state, my outside reality changes as well.

It’s safe for me to look within

and trust that the universe will protect me through the process.

It’s safe and beneficial for me to dive into the suppressed emotions

as the emotions I am afraid and resent the most

are the ones I need to clear the most.

I realize that I am far more than my personality – past, present and future.

I now choose rise above my perceived problems

to recognized the magnificence of my being

and know that I have complete power to change my life

I am competely willing to accept, embrace, love and value myself dearly.

All is well in my world.

 

 

Inspired by Louise L. Hay

Jane Huang

Founder of MasterSource Spiritual Guidance

Whatever You Give Attention to Grows

Wolf

What’s your approach to life challenges? Do you take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and emotions or do you project them at other people to make them responsible for the results and the directions of your life? Are you honest about your true thoughts, feelings and emotions without putting yourself down or do you judge yourself for mistakes because it is too hard to facing your emotions? How do you deal with conflicts with people around you? Do you project all the negativity at them or do you ask yourself what you have done has caused the situation and what energy in your has attracted the particular situation?

When facing challenges, difficulties, conflicts and confusion, there are many ways to deal with them and each one will bring you a unique solution. Not sure which one to choose? Try this: close your eyes, breathe into your diaphragm, let go of your thoughts and let your feeling and emotions flow. See yourself being peaceful and grateful for the solutions and let the feeling guide you to take the actions that will bring you the best result. Relax, trust divine guidance and take inspired actions instead of reacting directly from the fight or flight mode or getting into a habit of worrying, debating in your mind, or even resentment. Try it several times and make it your habit of making decisions. You’ll feel much lighter, happier and your life will be a lot more enjoyable.

Jane Huang

Founder of MasterSource Spiritual Guidance

Why and how to connect with your feeling and emotions?

It is very important to stay in touch with our body and connect with our emotions at all times so that we always know how we really feel and can take actions accordingly instead of taking on others’ emotions and do something we regret later on. When we are in touch with our true feelings, we are being completely responsible for and owning our feelings and we are not likely to get manipulated by other people. It is when we deny our emotions and feelings, we feel fragile and insecured and can be easily manipulated by other people who want something from us instead of truly want to help us. Aslo when you truly own your emotions, even when the outcome does not turn out as good as you hoped, you will not experience much regret, sadness or hatred etc because you have already done your best and there is no reason to look back. Most of the times when we get angry, we are actually angry at ourselves for not making the right decisions that deep down we knew was right. However, for most people, it is too painful to feel the emotions and admit that we could’ve done things differently that we project our anger and frustration at other people and ask them to change so that we don’t have to face our emotions and mistakes.

This is a very self-centered way of dealing with disagreements, mistakes and obstacles because everyone has free will to do what they choose to do and forcing others to change so that everything fits in our little world is not fair and not loving to others. It does not benefit anybody other than feeding our ego. In situations where people have been unloving to us, the best way is to own our emotions and leave the situation. Most people stay in negative situations too long because they expect others to change but are also afraid of facing the challenges by leaving the situations. Instead of initiating real changes, they choose to blame themselves and other people. It is not loving or beneficial to either party and the consequence is keeping both parties in mental and emotional prisons.freeing

The truth is that the events we attract into our life really reflect who we really are and how loving and truthful we really are. There are a lot of teachings that focus on affirmation. It rarely works permanenly because in one’s mind they might believe something through repetition of affirmation, but emotionally, they may believe something that is completely different. And between emotions and intellect, emotions always win. Our emotional based beliefs are a lot more powerful and deep-rooted than intellectual beliefs. Our actions eventually always reflect how we feel emotionally. It is as a person believes in his heart, so is he/she instead of what he/she believes in his/her mind.

To connect with our feelings and emotions, we need to breathe into our diaphram. It allows us to stay present with our feelings, emotions and intuition and not always stay in our head which actually creates a lot of confusion and rarely solve deep-rooted issues. We have to allow our emotions flow instead of making them stagnant. Frustration, anger, rage are strong indications of suppressed emotions. Holding on to negative emotions robs us from love, health, wealth and most importantly, growth. We also tend to be defensive all the time and miss the real lessons that the universe tries to teach us. When we breathe diaphramatically, we can think, and feel more clearly. We also feel stronger and more aware of not only our bodily sensations, but also stimulations in external envronment. When the emotions come up, allow them to flow out of your body in whatever form they manfest and keep breathing diaphramatically during the process.

Love and peace

Jane Huang

Founder of MasterSource Spiritual Guidance

Q&A: Emotions are a voliate subject, how can one be selective and choose certain emotions to feel and release?

We don‘t use the mind to choose what emotions we want to work with. We simply allow emotions come up and usually the stronger the emotion is, the faster it will jump out.

Take me for an example, I do breathing exercise everyday to allow emotions come up and feel what emotions I have been suppressing. Most people have suppressed their emotions so much that intellectually they think they are one way, but in reality, they are another way. For instance, if a person think he/she is peaceful but get annoyed or frustrated by outside circumstances. Then this person has supressed emotions and the event serves to trigger his/her suppressed emotions. Psychologists call those subconscious emotions or beliefs. Most people project their own feelings and expectations on other people and outside circumstances. When a person close their heart that they become angry or frustrated which are fear based. In most cases, they are afriad of losing control and completely letting go.

Anger and fear are blocking/capping emotions. The real causal emotions are grief and shame that one has denied and suppressed.

Jane Huang

Founder of MasterSource Spiritual Guidance