How To Deal With Abusive Relationships

woman huggingThe first step to deal with abusive relationships is admitting you are actually in one. Most people tend to deny they are in one because all relationships take time and effort to create and maintain and we don’t want to believe that the time and evergy that we have spent are going to waste or against us.

Then something might happen to make you alert that the person you are in relatioship (does not have to be romantic relationships, it can be parents, relatives, co-workers, social encounters etc) with actually tend to be a taker, a manipulator, or a user. When situations like this happens, some people critisize the other person for being inconsiderate and be very angry at them while others tend to tell themselves that everything will be fine and wishfully think the other person will change for them. Very few people really look at the the cause of the issue and how the relationship was formed in the first place. However, this is an important step to deal with all relationship problems. We have to really understand what situation we are in and what the next step to take that will bring the best solutions for everyone involved.

Most emotional and physical abusive relationships form when both parties have insecurities, looking for another person to help deal with our problems (or to complete us). Then, we have to ask ourselves, what do we want to experience from this particular relationship? Are we trying to get something from it in order to ease our fears, anxieties or insecurities. Relationships based on co-dependnece will always meet challenges down the road and it will get harder and harder as time goes by because both parties refuse to learn and baggage carried by each people grows day by day.

To deal with it in a healthy way, we really have to detach ourselves from the situation for as long as we need and feel the emotions that come up. The emotions we feel is what created the event and even the relationship. Common emotions include anger because of feeling not getting what one wants, grief due to feeling sacrificing so much for nothing, fear because not knowing what the future will be etc. It’s very important to know we are responsible for everything we feel. We are not responsible for how others treat us because everyone has free will. But we are in total control of how we feel and what actions we take. If what other people do have effect on us, it is beause we are not strong enough internally and we have expectation on others to please us. The expectations we put on others really come from deep-rooted selfishness because we make ourselves the centre of a relationship and we demand others to please us. So it is not surprising that relationships formed based on selfishness create pain for both sides and will not last long. People who are attached to their expectations tend to stay in abusive relationships longer because they are more susceptible to illusions that the other person will become who they want them to be.

Once we are clear about our feelings and where they come from, we are ready to start taking action that will help us grow and free us eventually.

  1. Do not play the blame game: meaning completely own your own emotions, thoughts, and actions. If someone is not loving to you (eg: criticism, ridicule, condemn, manipulate, blame etc) tell them how you feel, and give them a choice to change. If they do not change, leave. You do not have to put up with that.
  2. See what you can change in order to improve the situation: all abuseive relationships are created by more than one person. See what you have done has created such an relationship. Change your attitude, actions and intentions. Communicate with the other person. If he/she is willing to change in the positive direction, you can choose to grow together. If the other person is closed off and not willing to change, leave the situation because the other person is being selfish and controlling and you do not have to be the victim.
  3. Persistence: Roman Empire was not built in one day. Usually abusive realtionships are quite difficult lessons to learn and takes time and effort to change or leave them. You have to be persistent in what you do and how you feel. You need to make new ways of thinking, perceiving, and responding your new habits, replacing the old ones, so that you life keeps going in the desired direction. To achieve that, it takes time, effort and constant practice. Remember: nothing worthwile comes easy.
  4. Celebrate accomplishments: We tend to overlook our needs and under-appreciate ourselves. This is actually one of the reasons why we even get into abusive relationships because we do not love ourselves enough. We tell ourselves it’s okay that life is stressful and frustrating. But in truth, life doesn’t have to be that way. We choose to experience the events we want to experience. No matter how difficult it seems at a particular moment, we always have choices and the right choices always give you hope, peace and freedom. What you choose may take you out of your comfort zone, but it’s good for you and you need to trust your ability to deal with challenges and trust that the universal laws are meant to help your grow and prosper, but you need to take inspired actions and face some challenges first. We also need to understand that challenges/difficulties in life are not meant to be punishment. They are only consequences of what you have done or not done in the past. So the faster you deal with a problem, the less severe consequence it will be.
  5. Start to give more: The purpose of life is to prosper, to grow, be abundant, be confident, be happy, be loving, be generous, be helpful, be compassionate and make your contribution to help others and make the world a better place. The universe will generously return its favour at the right time . The more you give, the more abundant you will be. The more you love, the stronger you will be. The more you smile, the happier you will be. The more you try, the more confident you will be. The more you help, the more successful you will be. The secret to live an abundant, joyful and fulfilling life is to give generously and receive graciously.

Love and light

Jane Huang

Founder of MasterSource Spiritual Guidance

True love or co-dependent relationships?

I went to watch “The Longest Ride” this week and I think overall it is a pretty well done movie about love and romance. It’s not going to be a movie review but I do feel inspired to write a post about qualities of true love and co-dependent relationships. A lot of people tend to be confused about them because they both can feel very intense when we are in them. In many cases, what we believe to be the qualities of love are actually qualities of co-dependence or just emotional emptiness wanting to be filled. While in other cases, when some people feel guilty for leaving unloving relationships and not fulfilling their obligations imposed by societies, they are actually being most loving to themselves and other people involved.

the longest rideIn the movie, Ruth has always wanted a big family, however her husband Ira cannot impregnate her due to his wound infection. Ruth is devastated that her dream of a big family can never become true. When she decides to leave Ira, instead of getting angry, Ira tells her “I think you should leave. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and for some reason you chose me. But the way I loved you then is nothing compared to the way I love you now. I love you with everything inside of me and I love you so much that I just want you to be happy even if that happiness doesn’t include me.” 

When you truly love someone, you will feel a strong and genuine desire to be understanding, loving, giving and compassionate no matter what the outcome . You will be so enjoying the process and grateful for the joy you feel by sharing you love with the other person no matter what the outcome is. If you get sad, afraid, frustrated or even angry when the other person does not meet your expectation/demand, it is a strong indication that you do not really love the other person because there are conditions involved and you probably are just obsessed with the idea or image you have about them.

Our expectations are products of our mind and nobody has the obligation to fit in a character created by our beliefs. Instead of getting frustrated when our expectations are not met, the most loving thing to do is to look at the underlying causal emotions that drive our expectations. When we have expectations for people, we start to take them for granted and stop seeing that everything they do is a gift that they choose to give us. Relationships without genuine appreciation will not last long because the quality of our relationships is a direct reflection of how much love we give.

For example, when a woman seeks a partner for financial security, she can get very upset when her partner is out of job or does not bring into family enough money as she expected. This is very damaging to both her partner and the relationship because it really is her own responsibility to support herself financially. Instead of projecting her fear of lack of money at her partner, she can embrace, experience and release her fear. Since our life is really a reflection of how we feel emotionally, after her truly owns, experiences and release the emotions, ironically, she will find her financial situation gets better. Another example is when a man expects his partner to obey and agree with everything he says, he will get angry or even violent when his partner disagrees. In this case, the underlying emotions are need for power and fear of losing control. These are very damaging emotions because they are very demanding and are interfering with another’s freewill. People who have need for power and control are usually very insecured and cannot find real strength until they face and own their fears.true love

All of our expectations come from not being responsible for our fear-based emotions. Instead facing and experiencing them, people tend to project them at other people and try to make them to be responsible for their results in life. Expectations are common signs of co-dependent relationships which are usually formed based on mutual wound.

On the other side of the spectrum, true love relationships are based on desires for understanding, growth, learning and sharing. There is no need or expectation involved. Both parties are so involved with learning and growing that there is so much joy in their life that they do not need the other people to fill their emptiness because there is no emptiness. Their life is overflowed with joy and excitement that everyone they see is an opportunity for them to share their love with. When two people are attracted to each other based on these qualities, they will experience a true love relationship that is loving, freeing and exciting in all ways.

Jane Huang

MasterSource Spiritual Guidance

Pray for romance

God, angels and my spiritual guides, thanks for guiding me, helping me and protecting me along the way. Please help me understand, embrace love more in my life. I am grateful for all the the joy and fun in my life. I am also grateful for the challenges and mistakes I have made in my life because they really help me grow if my heart stays humble and take responsibiilty for the mistakes I made. Please bringing in the right person into my life to form a loving, growing, fun and passionate romantice relationship. Romantic relationships can be both so exciting and challenging because both peoples’ positive and negative emotions are magnified. PLease help me deal with my emotions when things get challenging and let the other person own his/her emotions too. The truth is if I really love the other person, I will not demand anything from him/her and I will only want to love. It doesn’t mean I’ll stay in a relationship that is not beneficial to me, but it does mean I will be compassionate towards the other people and at the same time do what is best for myself. My relationships really reflect a big part of me, whatever the outcome is, I have a hand in creating it. However I can only be reponsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions because I am only half of the equation. Every relationship is a chance to learn about and understand human emotions and love. PLease help me focus on the learning process instead of a specific outcome contructed in my mind, and only when I start to really demonstrate love in my thoughts, feelings and actions, I will attract the right partner for me. Thank you. And so it is.

Jane Huang

MasterSource Spiritual Guidance